Breaking down the deal key in Publisher's Weekly, or, These People Have Lost Touch With Reality

 I get the Publisher's Weekly daily Publisher's Lunch emails, and color me surprised when I saw today's top story containing their key to deal listings. For those that are unenlightened, here's the deal: every time a deal gets listed, there's no actual monetary value attached, they simply use veiled nicities like "good" and "significant" to refer to how insane-o or not-so-insane-o the deal was. Today's email contained the key to those terms. Here it is:

The KeyAs usual, the handy key to our Lunch deal categories. While all reports are always welcome, those that include a category will generally receive a higher listing when it comes time to put them all together.

"nice deal" $1 - $49,000

"very nice deal" $50,000 - $99,000

"good deal" $100,000 - $250,000

"significant deal" $251,000 - $499,000

"major deal" $500,000 and up

First of all, let's get this straight. $1-$49,000 is a HUGE difference. A "nice" deal probably covers anything up to $10k. Beyond that, we're into onomatopoetic territory. For example, $20k is WOWSERS! And $45k is JESUS THAT'S A FREAKIN' SALARY IN ONE CHECK! Just start subtitling all your photos like Batman comics, because SNAP! you just made some good money.

But let's move on from there and analyze the upper echelons of deals.

$50,000-$99,000 ... "Very nice?" Seriously? A well-cooked steak is very nice. My neighbor is very nice. Yeah, that's considered "very nice" ONLY if you say it with a Borat impression. Otherwise, you're just a snob. Pour yourself a cup of tea and enjoy a life where you're perpetually unimpressed. We can't be friends. I'm calling this one "CHA-CHING!" because now you can start paying off the credit card you lived on while waiting to sell your novel and maybe buy yourself that delicious Marc Jacobs leather hobo you've been lusting after all these years.

$100,000-$250,000 is a "good deal." Ok, no. A good deal is what I got on my Prius when I bought it two years ago and I saved $1,500 because of the mileage on it. A "good deal" is what arrives in my inbox every morning from Groupon. Anything with six figures deserves a scream only dogs can hear. I think I'll change this one to "EEEEEKKKKKK!!!!!"

$251,000-$499,000 ... significant? Hmmm ... I don't know. Significance is something I apply to history and great literature. This isn't the London Blitz. It's not Civil Rights. It's somewhere between a quarter and a half a MILLION DOLLARS. Can we take off our tweed jacket and put out our pipes and scream I'M RICH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really think the only appropriate terminology here is BIG. FUCKING. DEAL.

$500,000+ is considered a major deal ... which is getting close. That's a half a million dollars, people. And that's the baseline marker. Go drive around in your Mercedes, which bears a vanity plate reading "major deal." This is the territory that gets both Sallie Mae AND Toyota off my back. It also buys my long-coveted house + yard + washer/dryer. And for this, I'm renaming this one the Oprah deal, because it's the one where all your dreams come true. This is the one where I call up Stephen King to hang out JUST BECAUSE I CAN. It's the one where I get to fly to Italy just for funsies and call it a writer's retreat. It's the deal where I walk into a bar, order the most expensive bottle of champagne in the joint, pour it on the floor, and walk out, just because I'm an AUTHOR BITCHES AND THAT'S HOW WE MAJOR DEAL AUTHORS DO!